theedevilsattic web store FAQ section

Wouldn't it make more sense for someone of the devil's..umm...stature to sell somewhere else, like eBay for instance?

So, are the brands, labels, and manufacturers that the devil chooses to list in his store somehow in cahoots with him?

We get this question a lot, which surprises us because the answer seems fairly obvious. Does the devil own this online store? Of course not! His boss does.

Truth is, the devil has very little use for an attic. In fact, he struggles to grasp the concept of attics specifically, and grand-on-a-human-scale concepts like space and time generally. So, a room that one sets aside for seldom-used human detritus? Unless you're storing souls up there with that dusty Nordictrack (and we know you're not, because we'd have met already), to him, an "attic" might as well be Provo, Utah or the surface of some distant sun or your pet goldfish's rectum. Let's just all be thankful he's not running day-to-day operations anymore.

Wouldn't it make more sense for someone of the devil's..umm...stature to sell somewhere else, like eBay for instance?

You'd think that'd make perfect sense, right? With eBay being the whole Evil Empire and everything, and the devil reportedly being into that kind of stuff, even we admit it seems like we're missing out on some seriously, like alarmingly, symbiosis there. Turns out that even the devil has a limit when it comes to ludicrous selling fees.

We offer a 100% soultime guarantee that your package will leave our hooves smelling not of sulphur, in a completely pure and char-free state, and having not a drop of human hurt fluid on it. Any questions regarding packages arriving in any of the above-mentioned states should be directed to the US Postal Service.

So, are the brands, labels, and manufacturers that the devil chooses to list in his store somehow in cahoots with him?

Yes, almost all of them, by a significant margin.

Absolutely not! That's like saying Trump voters should also be banished to hell automatically, when, in truth, only most of them will be there with him. In fact, far from an Attic purchase NOT harming your chances of getting into heaven, we've been told a purchase practically GUARANTEES your ENTRY to it!